Tuesday, 3 March 2009

So, Alan and I are texting each other

So, Alan and I are texting each other on whether we want to go to the show at 9pm. He texts to say that Karen and Natalie [all names are made up] are coming too. I say I am in, definitely.

At 7pm he texts to say that Natalie's pulled out and Karen has not replied. He says we are on the waiting list with unconfirmed seats; so, what do I think?

"Leave it," I say. "Being on the reserve list is too risky."

At 7.30pm, he texts me to say Karen is now in and he is already on his way. What! I text back "On my way as well. Definitely worth taking the risk on the seats."

So, it's 8pm, and I'm first through the doors of the pub that hosts the sketch show. Really nice area, posh people, good atmosphere. Long gone are the days when I caught young things' eyes just by walking in. But I get a glance or two. And, in a sign of what is forthcoming, I am invited with enthusiastic welcome by a Polish mother to take the seat next to her. It's her daughter I'm interested in.

"I'm here. What now?" I text Alan.

Alan turns up two minutes later with a big smile. "What, am I your mum? What now!"

Karen turns up. We go to the tickets office, only to be told that we are definitely not going to be able to get in. The show's performers have booked up all the reserve seats. Show's totally, completely sold out.

Since when was topical sketch comedy so popular!

We go back to the pub. And a couple of merry hours later ... we're in the middle of a conversation on the flat that Alan owns. I take the opportunity to lean on Karen to tell her that Alan is a very eligible bachelor. Alan is amused, and I am glad he is playing along with my game.

"Is this a good time to tell you about something rather personal," Karen says, to much suspense. "I am with someone who I absolutely adore and love. She's wonderful and we've been together for years. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against men. Gosh, I don't know why I'm telling you this. Should I be doing this?"

Silence.

I look at Alan. He's looking at me. Fuck. I need to make eye contact with Karen. I can't. I can't look her in the eyes. Say something, Alan!

Alan: "So, you're a lesbian."

All the words that are flashing across my head have to do with sex, lesbianism, dildos, ... Darn it, I should stop drinking. Thinking clever is so much harder with alcohol in your bloodstream.

Ahmed: "So, have you been, ever, with a man?"

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Monday, 2 March 2009

What was!

There must be something in Egyptian (and Arabic) DNA that makes us utter sentimentalists. Just full of longing and nostalgia.

I am listening to Nancy Ajram's Elli Kan. The music has been given the modern pop treatment but its base is old-old-school arabic/turkish. It's incredible with longing, aching. The lyrics have been matched to the same level of arch emotion.

What was before you, when you weren't next to me, it was like I never lived through.

And what will follow you, if you're not next to me, then I wish to die before you.


I don't normally pay attention to lyrics, I just let a song sink through several listens and - if I'm still listening, I begin to hear the words. "Elli Kan" ran through several listens, filled me with sentimentality and tenderness, and then began to register its words on me. You might want to try the same listening strategy.

Find the song in the music player on the right side.


"Elli Kaan" by Nancy Ajram - featuring English subtitles.

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Sunday, 1 March 2009

More on Jerry Seinfeld

Funny. You write about Jerry Seinfeld one day, and the next day, you read about him in a book and then you meet someone who has a story to tell about him.

First, I was reading a book about project management when I encountered this story:

Jerry had a calendar that had a whole year on one page, and a red marker. Each day that he wrote, he put a big red X over that day. Jerry explained, "After a few days you'll have a chain. Just keep at it and the chain will grow longer every day. You'll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is to not break the chain." Don't break the chain!



Second, later in the evening, I meet a couple of sketch writers and one of them tells us she had attended a stand-up class in New York. The teacher of the class was someone who was once, years ago, in a stand-up class with Seinfeld. According to the teacher, his class had gotten along very well, they'd all hang out in a bar afterwards. But one guy never went to the pub afterwards. In fact, that guy was the worst performer; he'd do such cheesy, easy material that audiences would get bored of him really quickly. But the guy would always go over his experiences. He did not join them at the pub because he wanted to get home and go over what happened. By the end of the class, he had improved significantly. But no one took him seriously, because there were obviously far more impressive talents than his. The guy kind of felt it too, because he always took to the side a little. That guy was Jerry Seinfeld.

The lady who told me the story wondered how bitter the teacher must be, seeing his old classmate become the mega-star he became. Yet, the teacher was clear-eyed. He told them that this story showed the importance of working hard and not giving up.


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Thursday, 26 February 2009

One thing Jerry Seinfeld has taught me

I have a theory that Jerry Seinfeld did particularly well because of his personality, his character. I have an appreciation for the man, as well as his comedy material. Seinfeld trained himself from early on to be focused, keep at it, have few insecurities, and to have a balanced, broad view of his life (rookie-level Scientology helped him along, he revealed recently). Sure, he struck it lucky with the extraordinary success of his sitcom, but insiders always remind you he was already an A-list stand-up by then, and I believe he handled his success well.

I watched the documentary "Comedian" for the first time in August 2008. The film, released in 2002, was the first thing Jerry Seinfeld did after the sitcom series had ended. I was struck by the similarity of the stand-up comedian's experience and most people's lives.

"Comedian" is a documentary; it records his return to the stand-up circuit, around 2002, after he'd retired all his previous stand-up material and taken a long break "doing nothing" (he got married and had a child or four). We see him struggling to put together a new one-hour act.

"Comedian" involves the young, thrusting Orny Adams. The contrast between Adams and Seinfeld is clear: the latter is a big celebrity, audiences give him standing ovations, they cheer him even when he is floundering (Seinfeld was developing material, and comedians are not funny when they are developing material).

Adams, on the other hand, was yet another comedian on the New York circuit. He was established, but not quite "big" (he still isn't). As the documentary progressed, Adams made his first Montreal festival appearance, and got signed up by George Shapiro - although this seems a bit of intrigue by Shapiro (who is also Seinfeld's manager), to give his biggest client's documentary some 'story'.

Seinfeld is not pushy (his billion dollars are in the bank), he laughs at anything his stand-up colleagues say, and responds well to encouragement. Adams, on the other hand, is outspoken, jerky, and tense. To top it off, his material is just okay.

The most important scene for me was when the impatient Orny is having a chat with Jerry on how to speed up his career. This is the exchange:

Orny: How much longer do I have to wait?
Jerry: Is time running out? Are you out of time?
Orny: I'm gettin' older.
Jerry: Please.
Orny: I'm 29. I feel I have sacrificed so much of my life.
Jerry: Is there something else you would rather have been doing?
Orny: Um, not necessarily.
Jerry: Other appointments? Other places you gotta be?
Orny: No, not necessarily.
Jerry: "No, not necessarily."
Orny: I see my friends making a lot of money.
My friends are moving up. And I'm worried.
Jerry: Movin' up!
Orny: I'm worried.
Jerry: Are you out of your mind?
Orny: No, I'm not out of my mind.
Jerry: This has nothing to do with your friends! [laughing]
Orny: I've upset you.
Jerry: No, no, this is a special thing. This has nothing to do with ...
Orny: But Jerry did you ever stop to think 'I am 29.
My friends are all married. They have kids. They have houses.'
Jerry: Ugh!
Orny: What do you tell your parents?
Jerry: Your parents! [laughing] This is your ... [laughing]
Orny: Yes, your parents!
Jerry: Let me tell you a story ...
The story that Seinfeld tells Adams is (in brief): Two entertainers are in a strange town for a gig. They get lost. It is very cold, snow everywhere. They find a house with a chimney. They look through the windows: they see a fire on, a healthy father, a beautiful mother, and two lovely kids. The family is watching a scene from a classic movie. One entertainer turns to the other and says: "how do people live like this?"


At the beginning of this post, I drew a parallel between the stand-up comedian's experience and our own lives. It is this: there's a struggle, you must master some skills, you have to acquire some experience through repetition, and you must be able to manage yourself.

Self-management: this art of putting yourself through the paces of life, patiently navigating the ups and downs. The hardest part of any dream or ambition, is that self-management part. Because to master it, you have to have conviction. You have to brainwash yourself into believing that what you are doing is worthier and better than whatever else you could be doing. There is nothing else, no other place, you'd rather be. You tell yourself that what you do is a mission, it is a way of life, it's what you want, and it's worth it.



Part of interview with Enough Rope on Australian TV last year. Gets better towards the end.

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Wednesday, 25 February 2009

love letter to my parents

something has come between me and the world that I knew
what I thought would last is falling apart in the face of something new
how can I explain that I had no choice?

The Spice Of Life
Everything But The Girl
(Find song in the player on the right)

I am seized suddenly with an uptightness, a grave insecurity. I tense up, my face looks sterner, and I can't think easily anymore. I am not relaxed, I can hardly follow jokes, let alone make ones. My brain goes into some kind of analytic over-drive. It happens because I pick signals. Signals of rejection. These perceived signals do not come only from women, they come from men, friends, colleagues, acquaintances. I walk into a room, relaxed and looking forward to the activity, and then an acquaintance tells me something by way of making conversation and suddenly I feel I have been left out. I feel I am not part of the A-group. I am being side-lined. Alliances are forming and I am not being sought. It kills me. My brain goes into overdrive. I begin to hate the person who told me what he told me. I hate them all. I can't stand the company I am with anymore. In an ideal world, I would walk away right then and there. But I have committed to the activity and walking out would look dreadfully unprofessional. Besides, I would rather not give away the fact that I have been slighted. Something tells me that perhaps I was being deliberately slighted. That the acquaintance who shared the "news" was in fact trying to tell me, subtly, that I have been left out. I struggle to regain composure: in between my forced smiles and join-ins are grim expressions and long-range, blank stares. It takes me a full hour or more, to get out of it. Even when I do, it is temporary, and I dread walking out to the road on my own. I hate how I will deal with it, how I will rationalise it and justify it, how I will tell myself to chill and not take things so personally, how I will water it down and recast the whole thing as an over-reaction by me.

It strikes me that I would make a terrible husband. Easily slighted. Taking to deep turmoil and sulks. Difficult to make happy. Unpredictable. Uneven in mood. My good moods would not be trusted.

I rarely feel like that when I am around my parents. They give me wealth. When I am around them, everything else that happens in the world is external, it can't touch me. Whatever happens is either an added benefit, a bonus, or an unfortunate inconvenience, whatever it is, it falls on top of that comfortable base of personal security that they provide. When I am around them, only they can hurt me and get underneath that deep security blanket. When I sulk because of something external, my dad can brush it off my mind with one of his warm, sympathetic chats, my mother can set me free and rest my tired mind with "just do [this] for me, your mother, do you promise?" And I promise. And I do. And it's gone.

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Sunday, 22 February 2009

She is off men for six months

there's things i want
there's things i think i want
there's things i've had
there's things i wanna have


Just Looking - Stereophonics
(Find in music player on right hand side)


The pub was shutting. Most remaining people were pissed, staggering. Had she herself not been a little drunk, I wonder how long the story would have taken to unfold. It would have been filed under one of the hundreds of my "mystery unresolved" cases.

She told me. She said "No"; she didn't think exchanging numbers was going to happen. What I need to know, she said, is that she had come out of a seven year old relationship and then went and plunged into wrong relationship after wrong relationship for two and a half years, until she got dumped, again, last Monday. "By text, dumped by text, can you imagine" she said.

And this Saturday, she is here to support her girlfriend - "a wing girl, if you like". She is off men for six months. She is getting in touch with herself. "I am being very honest. It's the best policy. Normally, I am a lot more cheerful and up for it than this," she said.

I'll bet. Those two and half years sounded packed, rich with hopes and expectations. Only to be dashed by guys who strung her along. One guy had dumped her so hard, she had to leave her native Australia and come to London to escape the emotional turmoil.

Until she had said those words - words that tumbled out in under two minutes - I had not seen any signs of a woman destroyed, or lacking in knowledge of herself. She had been a little reserved, I will give her that, but she was smiley and very chatty. When I had introduced myself to her and her girlfriend about an hour before, she had affirmed they were single.

I tried to lessen the scale of what she admitted. "Surely, you already are in touch with yourself. You obviously know who you are and what your needs are, it's just that you made some bad decisions. I wouldn't blow it out of proportion," I said.

"Well, be that as it may, I have decided and I am not going to change my mind," she said, shutting the doubts out.

It was over.

"One would like to live in a world in which things like rejection or getting dumped don't affect one. Where self-confidence is stronger than such things. But of course it is an ideal world, that," I said. I was not even looking at her. I was giving an improvised philosophical muse. On the house.

"The thing is, women become impossible to satisfy as they grow older. And this is because of all these let-downs and their subsequent shutting off of themselves. They come out of this stage with a check-list and they start operating with tunnel vision," I said. My muse had now turned into lecture.

Then I got myself busy wrapping myself up. I said goodbye with an indifference even I felt was inappropriate. But I wanted to get out. In under a minute, I had threaded my way through Leicester Square crowds and was almost at Trafalgar Square. Every attractive woman I saw, I imagined a speech bubble popping out of with her "past stats". "I dumped 2. Was dumped by 4. Had 7 flings. Vacancy for The One - still seeking. Advertising in six months."

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Thursday, 12 February 2009

London speaks to me finally

We gathered in front of the McDonald's next to Charing Cross station and set off around 7. We were armed with brand new sleeping bags, brand new socks and gloves, and lots of sandwiches.

"How come the organiser isn't here!" I said to everyone. The organiser of the meet-up was herself absent, and there was a lot of initial confusion as to division of work and groups.

No one replied.

I went with John, who was more experienced than I in this sort of thing. "I like your curiosity, mate," John told me, as soon as we set off.

We stopped at a corner on The Strand (in front of the Zimbabwe embassy) where lots of homeless people congregated. As soon as it became apparent we were giving things away, they descended on us. John tried talking to some as he handed out sandwiches. I gave out all the gloves. Then all the socks. John motioned me to go.

"That's the trouble with East Europeans," he said. "They tend to circle you and take everything."

"A lot of people question the point of what we're doing. Say they're all a bunch of lay-abouts. It's a real dilemma, mate. I mean, I can't fucking work it out, do y'know w'I mean?" John said.

He said he wanted to stop off at Covent Garden. When we got to the market square area (normally considered a nice, pretty spot), he told me, "I fuckin' hate this place. I hate how they've commercialised it." We stopped in front of two homeless people, both 40+. A man and a woman. English.

"Afraid we've only got chicken sandwiches," John told them.

"Only chicken! Only chicken! Only!" the big man guffawed. "I'll have your chicken then," he told us.

They took lovely Pret a Manger chicken sandwiches. I offered some chocolate-covered cake-rolls, but the big guy said he has diabetes. We gave them the only pair of socks remaining. John rested alongside the big man and puffed on his roll.

"So, what do you think, how do you feel?" John said.

"I'll tell you what I feel. I feel my goverment has betrayed me. I tell you who I respect. The Christians. I am 57. 25 years on the streets. The Christians have been feeding me. They're the only real, kind people in this business," the big man said.

"It's a fucking business, that what's it is. The homeless business. It's big fucking money. They're making money off us," said the woman, who was clearly the big man's wife.

"That bloody Jacqui Smith [Home Secretary]. I'll tell you something about her. 770 grand, is what she made last year. I read that in the paper," the big man said.

"Yeah, I read that too. It's a disgrace innit," John said.

"The fucking bloody head of [some major homeless organisation], he drives a Mezarati. He walks around, he talks to a few people, drives fucking off in a Mezarati," he says.

"Country's going to the dogs," she says.

"It's not going, it's gone. This government, not just this one, the past bloody ten governments, for the last fifty years, what ave I got out of 'em? Nish. Nuffin," he says.

"They just bloody give it to the foreigners," she says.

"Yeah, I noticed a lot of Eastern Europeans up there on the Strand," John said. He was deeply engrossed, happily sucking away at roll after roll.

"They're all bloody Polish. I never set foot there. I stopped. I fucking go mad. They've taken over the streets. Our streets. And they bloody get everything. The government gives them everything. Our government asks them 'oh sweetheart, do you need a place to live do you?' and hands them out everything!" the man said.

"It's not our country any more," she said.

"I'm not racist," he says, "I am happy if foreign people come to my country. But me first. Not 'em. What have I got for my parents' hard work? My father worked for this country, he paid his taxes. So did my mum," he said.

"It's not right," I said.

"No, it ain't bloody right. They just want us to die. They're just waiting for us to die off, is what my government wants" he said.

"What's your trade?" said John.

"I used to be a builder. And a good one too. But I fell behind. Went off the mainstream. And that's it. It's like you're shunted off on to a side road, and you can't ever get back on to the main road. There's no exit. My exit is my death. I am just waiting to die. I am 57. Do you know what I mean?"

"Three more years, and they'll take you in. They have to," John said.

"We had Brian. Lived off the streets forty years. They took him in. He died two years later. He lived on the street forty years, as soon as they took him in, he went," the wife said.

"Wasn't used to the warmth, I'll bet," John said.

"No, it's not that. It's the hassle. The paperwork. The constant questioning. He lost his freedom," the man said.

"But if they give the foreigners flats, why can't you take one too?" I said.

"I tell you why. They give a Pole a bloody shithole, and he goes thank-you, sir, and he bloody lives in the shithole. You give me a shithole, I can't live in it. Give me a decent place, I make it better, I make it my shithole."

And it went on.

For almost half an hour the man and his wife regaled us with their version of the story: they had been done in by their government. Their own government had refused to help them. Instead, their government had helped people from outside. Their government had given them raw deals which they had to accept, but they're not like the foreigners and they won't accept any rubbish. They needed genuine taking care of, real assistance, not meagre hand-outs and a judgemental attitude. It's no wonder they've turned alcoholic, they say, they're so upset.

"I am not suicidal. Not at all. Just cos I'm saying this stuff, don't mean I wanna kill myself. I love life. I love life. Do you understand me? I am just unhappy, that's all. The British people they're only concerned with money. Got wonga? Yes sir. Got nish? Fuck off. And that ain't right," the man said.

"It's not going to get fixed either," the woman said.

"Not even two generations can fix it," the man said.

John had disappeared for a while, and after he returned he explained that a friend is on his way. Five minutes later, Luke appeared.

Luke was sucked in right away. He listened attentively and tried to query the man on some details.

John declared us ready to go.

We walked off in a big huff of "God bless you"s from the man and his wife.

Luke then asked John how things were.

John told him, "Been rolling too many. Fucking stoned out of my wits. Need a drink. Going to the pub. Right, Ahmed?"

I was dumbstruck. John had been stoned from the second I first saw him! That explained why he had seemed a little in his world, a little cool and collected, a little smiley.

On the way to the pub, I learnt that Luke - who is around 24 - is training to be a journalist. Later, I was to learn that he writes very powerful pieces about the homeless in small rags. John is 30ish. He freelances in IT. But talking to him about his work, I was a little confused how he manages to pass himself off as an expert.

Just before we got to the Old Vic Theatre, on our way to the pub, Luke - I suppose trying to bridge the gap between his age and mine - asked if I am married. I said I had been, but no longer. He was intrigued. I gave them a brief synopsis. "Where was she from?" they asked. I said America. Whereabouts, they asked. Arkansas originally, I said. They snickered. Then John told me he'd been married to an American too. A New Yorker from Brooklyn. Jewish. They used to get high all the time. She accused him of abuse, and he can't forgive her for lying. Now he's divorced.

"We've got something that bonds us, mate," he said, and fist-bumped me.

Everyone came to the pub. There was none of the usual meet-up bullshit: cliques and attitudes. We were trying to genuinely connect; I guess that's the attitude I went with.

The organiser - who had turned out to be doing a different route - is dusting off a PhD in sociology. She told me how, in the past, they'd invited some homeless people to the pub with them. "The amazing thing is, inside the pub, they're transformed to perfectly quote normal unquote people. A real pleasure to talk to. Then after we'd finished and we're going home, they stepped outside and sat on the floor. And that's when we realised ... Such an academic, intellectual point to make," she said apologetically.

I stood outside the pub with Luke and John (where, presumably, John was continuing his quest for altitude), and we reflected on what the 57 year old man had told us. Luke was of the opinion that attitude plays a crucial part; he emphasised the importance of thinking positively. The three of us agreed that the homeless had given in to their bitterness, had convinced themselves all was doomed.

I brought up the man's pronouncement: "I love life". He definitely did, I said. There was no mistaking it.

On the way back home, I realised that for the first time - possibly - I had met an Englishman who spoke from the heart, with that unmistakable inner poetry and fluency of mankind. Egypt is full of these people; but most English people are reserved, and they don't speak from the heart.

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Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Sipping Coffee Listening to Jazz in Snowy London







London covered in snow was beautifully complemented by Bill Evans's "Peace Piece".

I had never heard it before - amazing. Thank you, Starbucks.

Zoned out overlooking an unfamiliar landscape of snow-swept London streets, sheltering with warm drinks and Miles and Bill - what could I ask for more?

Next to me was a sweet, smiley young lady from Albuquerque reading her Bible.

A lovely English lady was speaking to everyone, as if sat in her own living room talking about the weather: and they said this and they said that and they said they were going to do that too.

Check the tracks on Radio Ahmed (right hand side of this page).

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Thursday, 29 January 2009

On eccentricity



Eccentric - a word introduced into my vocabulary at a young age. When did it get into yours?

"The boy sometimes thinks in an eccentric way," my father commented to my mother. He was speaking in Arabic, but used the English word.

"Do you know what eccentric means?" he asked me, "It's when everyone expects you to think one way, and you choose another. Eccentric circles, unlike concentric circles, do not share the same centre."

Over the years, I got so used to the word, I would roll my eyes when my father rolled it out again. I did not take it seriously; nor did he mean it in an insulting way. He was slightly amused at the observation.

My father told me about his old friend, Ahmed N (another Ahmed!), who would take extreme care when crossing the road. "What if the tram's electric cables were to fall just at the time I was walking over the tram's rails?" the late Ahmed N told my father.

"Ya Ahmed ya N! Why would they fall at the time, of all times, that you, of all people, happen to be crossing the road!" my father said.

My mother teased: "You must have found too much fault in your friend, that God gave you a son like him."

"I never critised him, I used to feel sorry for his eccentric thinking," my father said.

Eccentric thoughts and behaviour continue to come out of me. A friend described my Connect-4 strategy as "assymetric". I bet that's in the thesaurus entry for "eccentric". If not, it should be - take it from me, an authority.

I think my impatience, my exaggerated sense of self, my arrogance and ambition is at the root of my eccentric thinking (if indeed I am an eccentric). Deep inside, I believe I will find a way, a different route that most others have missed - 'I am a law unto myself'. At least, that's what I used to be.



The Eccentric is an old English character; he is obsessed with a pointless hobby, such as stamp-collecting, or knowledge of the coral reefs of the Red Sea.

The Eccentric is typically male and single. (Uncle Ahmed N, may he rest in peace, died single.)

So, when did eccentric get into your vocabulary?

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Tuesday, 27 January 2009

London Mime Festival


Last Friday, I went to see Hotel Paradiso, a play by the German mime company, Familie Floez. What an education it was!

Mime theatre was not something I had ever watched before Friday. The idea that actors wear masks all through a play and 'mime' (act without saying words), brought to my mind silly, clownish theatre. But Hotel Paradiso was an inspirational introduction to this world.

It is a production of very high standards. A lot of work must have gone into the play. It was moving and funny, plus there was lots of detail. While the story was not particularly good, it was very skillfully rendered. We were all stunned to see that the array of 10 or more characters had really just been three guys and a gal (in their 30s).



Here is what I learnt:

  • Body language and action can render words unnecessary.
  • One mask, set in a single expression, can effectively summarise a character.
  • Clothing says a lot. Together with body language, clothing establishes character in seconds.
  • You really can show and do not have to tell. Pick the right indicative actions, and everything is explained.
  • Music can be very effective at conveying atmosphere and emotion.
  • Stillness and slow movement convey seriousness and gravitas.
  • Stillness, slow movement, and bittersweet music move and affect.
  • Repetition and adaptation of strong scenes renders them very powerful.

Check out the Familie Floez company website.

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Wednesday, 21 January 2009

An important point in Obama's inaugural speech

President Obama made a distinction in his inaugural speech (brought to my attention via the BBC): "the makers of things" versus the makers of money. He said the US's spirit lies with the former.

He said: "a nation cannot prosper long, when it favours only the prosperous".

It may be that we have crossed a threshold. I came to England to study Artificial Intelligence, and subsequently Pattern Recognition, yet by the time I was finishing (around 2000), all I wanted was to join the legions of smart people who worked in the money markets in London's City (financial organisations). It was something that baffled my parents back in Cairo.

I had graduated in 1991 at the forefront of a new generation of computer scientists in Egypt. Looking back, my father describes the timing of my graduation as perfect. People in Egypt were just beginning to realise how important computing was going to be, and it was going mainstream, and here I was young, scholastically accomplished, and ready.

His analysis also applies internationally: it was people of my age and of my more-or-less same background who pioneered the Great Internet Expansion of 1994-1998. This was the proper internet boom. (1999-2001 saw a silly anything-goes craze that amounted to clearing of deadwood.)

But I was out of all this. I had gone and buried myself under books for almost ten years (1992-2000). You'd think I'd come out of the PhD tunnel all revved up for the second wave of internet expansion, or something. Nope, exposure to the scientific method and advanced computing algorithms drove me straight to the money men.

A lot of what I did in my early life was in imitation of others - particularly other Egyptians. But by 2000, aged 29, the circle of people I was imitating (modelling, if you like) had expanded to various London-based nationalities of accomplished, ambitious people. And they all seemed obsessed with the City.

Picking just one example: How about the Greek guy who, upon completing his PhD, had transitioned right into an investment banking job at Lehman Brothers (now defunct), and three years later had bought two brand-new flats (which he was renting out)? He was two years younger than me.

The people who were coming to our campus (to sell their companies to us) were all top people. They might have studied Geography, or Literature, but they all were academically distinguished, one way or another. It showed; you could tell. They spoke of how hard they worked and how you have to be ready to roll with the punches, but that they were working with the best people in the world. The kinds of things they did in their spare time were: sky-diving, mountain-climbing, or wind-surfing. They never talked about their salaries, of course.

I heard through a friend that he had wanted to buy one of the new flats that arose like mushrooms throughout London ('new developments') only to find that all the flats had already gone. He'd arrived at 9am. Others were there at 8am. Everyone was paying in cash.

Close friends referred me to vault.com and other career-building sites, packed with insider tips, interview preps, etc. I started studying John Hull's "Futures, Options and Derivatives" - considered 101 City. Black-Scholes model and all that.

Fundamentally, a lot of what goes on in the City, and the recent Hedge Fund fad, is speculation. It is dressed-up, mathematically-cool betting. You are trading on other people's trading. Some fools, some schmucks, really were buying and selling goods (currency, oil, metal, financial assets, etc); but you, you betted on them. I bet that schmuck makes a 5 mil loss on that gold transaction; I am putting 2 grand on it.

Despite my academic abilities, and the smarts I supposedly possessed, much to the chagrin of my parents, I craved and desired to be part of that world. My father pronounced me morally bankrupt.

Being Muslim, I felt torn about the desires I had. Muslim teachings are against interest-based loans. They are against betting and gambling. The spirit of Muslim teachings is "do not exploit your fellow man", and "trade things, not money". Still, I remember justifying my interest to work in the City to an old friend thus: "You need to get inside the system to beat the system."

Well, the system beat me. All my interviews went nowhere. For some reason, God did not want me to be part of this "system". It has left an indelible mark of defeat on me. Yet I have to trust in God and believe that He wanted better things for me.

But this struggle, this conflict is not over. Right now, still, there are thousands of people carrying on with speculation. It is called the money markets. It is called trading. Go F yourself.



Update on 9 Feb 2009

George Osborne, the Shadow Chancellor, called for a fundamental change to bankers’ pay. “The party is over for the banks. You can’t go on paying yourselves 20 times what a heart surgeon earns. That whole culture has to come to an end. I think the bankers, and indeed the Government, have to understand you can’t just reflate the balloon that burst,” he said.



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Monday, 19 January 2009

The air is full with New Year resolutions

A friend attends a self-help seminar. He tells me, "Write your top 10 goals and put them up on the wall so you can read them everyday"; I neglect to tell him I used to have a piece of paper on my wall that said in big, inelegant handwriting: "Finish PhD by June". I finished it four years later.

"He made us write the 10 goals and then asked which would we like to achieve in the next 24 hours. The one you pick, that one, that is your priority, focus on it exclusively. But it is so hard. Distractions!"

"Yeah, check the blonde that just passed."

"I know, I was wiggling my eyebrows, didn't you see?"

"I thought you were emphasising priority."


I am back from Cairo - where I had a slow internet connection via timed sessions at cafes - to my London flat with its decent, untimed bandwidth. In Cairo, my life was structured around my parents' routines. My sisters, relatives and friends gave me no scope for solid blocks of time.

Now I am back to uninterrupted lengths. I don't have to handle drop-ins by my dad wanting to chat, or my mum eager to find out "just exactly what are you doing". I can sit at the computer for hours on end. Unsurprisingly, I find the lack of structure unnerving. I end up getting deluged.


I start my internet check-in with clear goals: reply to Kristof, write a tweet about that mentoring thing, and check my email. Ten minutes in, I'm a zombied-out druggie: "Who is that Chelsy Sullenberger again? I wonder what they're saying about her on twitter."

Five hours later, totally drained, I realise I have not done any of my goals.

Of course, I should learn. Add another goal to the list. "Waste day on internet": tick.


Seth Godin tells me that if the marketplace isn’t talking about me, there’s a reason. I'm boring. I need to be remarkable. But remarkable costs time and money and a willingness to be wrong.

Yeah Seth, and so does ordering something off a menu. The next time I take a chance on an expensive item off the menu, I'll call myself remarkable.


Embryonic ideas belong in a personal diary, or in a discussion forum;
much as they seem ours, they are just thoughts fused out of daily events.

Fully-formed ideas are truly ours; we did the due diligence on them.
If I can’t differentiate between the early-life and fully-formed ideas,
others will have to do that for me; and they can be quite moody.


I glance at the title of Chris Brogan's post: "Take Charge of your Career" and I am already turned off. Dude, honestly, show me someone who wants to hate his job, make less money, and have no clue what to do next?

Turns out the post is a book recommendation. Great. I overcome mental obstacles to read the post, only for Chris to add another to-do to my list.

Chris Brogan's "Cultivating a Writing Habit" nails it. He writes with so much ease, he actually writes too much. The guy has been writing all his life: he got writing awards at high school, won a spot at a writers' convention at college, plus he is an avid reader. He says, "Shipping News taught me brevity. Fight Club taught me how not to pull a punch. Slapboxing with Jesus taught me how to really pull raw emotions out of the air. Does this help my nonfiction writing? You bet it does."

Helps it too much, Chris.

Chris Brogan publishes several tweets and at least one blog post, daily. Each loaded with several ideas - embryonic ones.

An argument for NOT cultivating a writing habit!


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Thursday, 15 January 2009

Visions of Step Pyramids


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Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Cairo London. London Cairo.

* Before leaving Cairo, I sent my stuff to a 'recommended' dry cleaners and dropped some shirts at the ironing man. I arrive in London to find the dry cleaners have done a shoddy job (they might have worsened the condition of my clothes than improved them), plus my white shirt is missing its collar button (and the ironing man did not bother to tell me). My first instinct is to do like everybody in Egypt does: blame the country and its shoddy citizens. And I just have.

(I know, I know, it happens all across the world.)


* As if to compensate for the last time I flew out of Cairo Airport, my passage through the airport this time was very smooth and quick. I wished Egypt was like that all the time. Catching some "quiet time" in the airport's departure area, overlooking a wonderfully bright, afternoon-lit expanse of golden-coloured runways, arrays of apartment-blocks filling the horizon a safe distance away, I could almost retrieve the lovely Cairo of my parents' and grandparents' time. The food area on level three is nothing special, but sitting, musing, and doing nothing to the cool 1950s jazz put me in a good place.


* On the BMI flight from Cairo to London, they had placed a copy of the Daily Mail (oh what a wonderful tabloid) on each seat. The first three pages were coverage of the story of a baby born two days after her mother had died. Doctors had kept the mother's heart working even after she went brain-dead - so they could rescue the baby. The father is Egyptian, the late mother was English. What was God telling us?


* I attended my university's graduation ceremony - an event to celebrate the graduation of students of the 2007/2008 academic year. At the Barbican - a distinguished venue by all standards, the auditorium accommodates at least 1000, with hundreds of people in the balcony. They played classical music as we, staff, marched up to the stage to our designated seats.

The first time I attended the event, I was awed: I was nervous and looked only at the floor. Things change! For the past couple of years I have trodden up and down the aisle imagining the audience's polite applause was all for me - because I deserve it.

Our job at these functions is to clap, for almost 90 minutes. You get into a rhythm. "FirstName LastName" - clap, clap, clap - watch as they walk past - "Anothername Anothersurname" - clap, clap, clap, repeat a couple hundred times.

I tried to think whether one could tell anything about the character of a person the way they walked across the stage, after they've received their award and the audience's eyes had moved on to the next person. Could I tell the fake, the self-absorbed, the warm-hearted, the genuine, ... just by the way they walked? Because it is interesting: a student who never cracked a smile all year, now walks with the most genuine, big smile across her face like she was a little child, like it is so easy to please her. Soon, she will be someone's wife and find her husband unsatisfactory in so many ways, soon she will be a mother with very definite views on how she wants to raise her children.

The answer is no. You can't tell anything. Most people looked down. They took the award, they took a step or two, realised the moment was finished and they just had to walk across the stage and down the stairs, and they looked down. 80% of them did that. Only a few people did not look down at all. Only one or two strutting dudes dared looked at the audience and whip it up.

After this inspired study, you might be surprised to learn that when it was time for us to leave the stage (at the end of the ceremony), I found myself looking down most of the way from my seat to the exit.


* This year's graduation speech was short and uninspiring. Last year's - by the sponsor of the Ubuntu distribution of the free operating system Linux - was funny and inspiring, and left most staff devastated. 34 year old Mark Shuttleworth is worth about $500m.


* I run into a colleague at the graduation ceremony. She asks after me. I say I am fine. She searches a bit more. I can't find more to say. She tells me I look well, really well. "Happy and contented."

"Happy and contented? That's a tall order," I tell her.

She laughs. There are a few seconds of pause.

We say goodbye and go our separate ways.

Then it occurs to me that I hardly said anything nice to her. Like what clear, bright blue eyes she has.

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From an internet cafe to a living room in Gaza

At the internet cafe I used during my final day in Cairo, there was a racket. It's always a racket in there. Some teenagers yelling obscenities at each other while playing shoot'em-up games. A Somali shouting into his skype. But this time it was a grandmother and grandfather going wild via webcam to their family members in Gaza.

My instinct was to tell them to shut up - which never works, because the whole place looks at me like I am a little weird. So, I set my laptop up and sat in my usual corner, right next to them, and said nothing.

The grandmother was telling her grandchildren to raise their faces so she can see them better, she was sending kisses, praising their beauty, saying all manner of love-words to them. "Here is your grandpa," she told them after about five minutes of sheer emotion. The grandpa sat in front of the webcam and started giggling at his grandchildren; pure affection.

"Oh look, its the apple of my eye, Nadia. Say hello to Nadia," she told him. "Nadia, you beauty, you full moon, may God bring us together again. Keep safe darling always forever," he said.

Grandma took the headset. "Talal, my lovely darling boy. You are a man. Never be afraid. If you hear bombing, just hit your pillow. But don't be afraid. Do you hear me? You must resist and be patient. This evil will come to an end, and God will take care of you."

As grandma carried on talking, a few young men congregated around grandpa to ask after the family in Gaza. He started giving a small lecture on the conflict. Then his wife summoned him to the phone, and she went around the place apologising.

"I am sorry we've been so loud, I'm sorry we disturbed your peace," she told me.

"May God give you strength," I said.

"Thank you son, may God never show you days like these," she told me.

They ended the call with a storm of kisses and goodbyes.

The guy who manages the internet cafe got into conversation with grandpa, and soon they had fired up a map of Palestine/Israel. The guy was asking lots of questions and grandpa was patiently sharing with him.

"I, me, I wasn't a Gaza native. I was born in a place they call Askalon now. But my family moved to Gaza in 1948. This is where we've been since, but I myself am not really Gazan. Most Gazans are not from Gaza, they sought refuge there when Israel was declared."

"Gaza is not the West Bank, or is it?" asked the internet cafe guy.

"No, no, let me show you."

"But people say the Jews were good, like, they were ordinary people when they lived amongst us."

"Yes, when they lived amongst us they were fine," said grandpa.

"People say they were honest. If he gave you his word, he meant it," said the guy.

"In business, yes. In business, they are honest. But outside business, they're ho ho ho."

"Jews," said the guy.

"Look at what the Zionists did to us," said grandpa.

As I was leaving, the internet cafe guy told me - one Egyptian to another: "this conflict, you know, it's complex, so much detail, really complicated."

"No kidding!" I replied.

Grandpa was now chatting with two young women who had sought to show sympathy with him and his wife.

"May God strengthen you," I said to him by way of farewell.

"Thank you, son. Listen, Abdel-Nasser, you heard of him, right?" he asked.

"Of course," I said.

"You weren't even born, so you wouldn't know, but me, I was 14 in 1952, and I remember," he said as he pulled my jacket closer around my shoulders and straightened my shirt collar. He had green eyes, a red face, and a kind disposition. He smelt of either old cologne or old age. One eye was wide, looking straight at me, the other seemed tired. Yes, he smelt of old age.

"Nasser was surrounded in Faluga by the Israelis in 1948. And when his army unit was released, they went to Gaza, which is near Faluga. And from there back to Egypt. And Nasser said that it was after the siege of Faluga that he and his army fellows decided to launch the 1952 coup [disposing of King Farouk and leading to a full-blow revolution that transformed Egypt into a republic]. So you see, your 1952 revolution in Egypt is linked to Gaza," he said.

"That is true," I said and wished him goodnight.

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Friday, 9 January 2009

Watching old video clips with family

Everyone expressed surprise at the three-year old kid. How differently my nephew looks and talks today! My sister commented on her son: "He was lovely with that round face, I wish he'd eat more". We started remembering the boy's catch-phrases and idiosyncratic pronunciations from April 2004. He'd say a word on tape the funny way he used to, and everyone would remember.

The camera panned to my sister's husband (the boy's father) and it was obvious: he had aged. Back then, he looked a guy in his twenties. Now he has a rash of white hair and looks 'thirties'.

My sisters were surprised at how much weight they carried around back then. My parents had lost weight too, but we all took it well. In their old age, they have to lose weight.

Then I put on the "Jul 02" tape and caught a glimpse of my dad, the healthy, rotund, expressive man he is. I was surprised; he now looks skinnier and more frail. Everyone seemed to think I should fast-forward because it would hurt him. But my dad was a picture of contentment: "What would not please me about looking healthy and good?"

My mother hadn't changed very much. Sure, her face was younger, and she was fatter, but it didn't strike us as a big difference.

I had recorded on the tape various segments from our daily lives. In one clip, while the living room TV played to no one, I panned around the room zooming on various things - slices of cake left on the table, my parent's wedding photo ... In outdoor clips, I took in the settings for minutes on end. They said they were bored. My youngest sister said that whatever the merits of my filming, I was the only one to appreciate it - so perhaps I can fast-forward?

My clips were greeted with silence. Then my mother led the charge: "Hamada has aged!" Then everyone joined in. "Oh my God, he had hair!" "He was thinner and so much younger." My dad teased me: "Everyone's aged a little, but Ahmed, I would say 40 years at least."

I couldn't see that much of a difference. But I guess I was in the minority on that one too.

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Thursday, 8 January 2009

The solution to the Gaza situation

The bombing of Gaza by Israel, in retaliation for Hamas's rocket attacks, is a clear indicator of the decay of the Arab world. We watch wall-to-wall coverage on Al-Jazeera - complete with disfigured bodies, dead babies, and wailing men and women - but we do nothing. Our leaders condemn and deplore, and that's about it.

President Mubarak had to acknowledge the public's sentiments. A press interview was arranged last week with Egyptian TV news crews. He spoke informally, complete with the odd hint of fellaheen phrasing (reflecting his parents' peasant background). He told the Egyptian public that while he deplored the Israeli attacks, we should remember that Hamas was an intransigent party. The Rafah crossing between Egypt and Gaza was not under independent Egyptian control, he said. It was governed by a treaty involving EU, US, Israeli, as well as Egyptian partners. "Gaza is occupied territory. I do not deal only with Hamas, I deal with the occupiers of Gaza - the Israelis." He reminded us of the hundreds of thousands of Egyptian lives lost in the conflict with Israel since 1948. "No one can say we have not sacrificed," he said.

Few people watched - because our president has lost so much credibility over the years - but those who did watch were torn. I would estimate that about half fell for the charm of his Egyptian dialect, and his "I am a responsible deliberator" tone. Inter-Arab rivalries are common and many Egyptians do not feel motivated to sacrifice for other Arabs whom they feel are not grateful enough.

But the other half of the Egyptian public spat at the TV. They yelled "liar", "traitor" and many other insults over their president's pronouncements. How could we abandon our Palestinian brethren in this cold-blooded manner? Why aren't we at least kicking out the Israeli ambassador, stopping our gas supplies to Israel, opening the Rafah crossing unconditionally?

Everybody knows the answer. We have a government that is scared of its people. It sees its security in limiting its own people's freedoms; not in standing up for them. Particularly not when nuclear-armed Israel is involved, this charmed child of the USA and the rich EU countries.

No one is calling for all-out war with Israel. But the government's spokespeople are hinting that the minute we annoy Israel, we can kiss our infrastructure goodbye. All the amenities we enjoy will be bombed. Our economy will straitjacketed by the West. And we will be issued membership with the Axis of Evil the day after.

It's horrible.

But I do not blame my people and my government alone. I blame the powerful, rich West and its indulgence of Israel. When will they get it? You cannot, repeat can not, impose a foreign presence on other people. Israel is foreign presence in the midst of Arabs and Muslims. Until it apologises sincerely and seeks to genuinely connect with those peoples that it grabbed the lands of, it will forever be unacceptable to them. No amount of killing, bombing, and destroying will change that.

What is saddening is that a lot of smart people in Israel already know that.

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The difference between Arabic and English

I should not be writing this to you. You should not be reading this. I should not want to write to you in English; I should be writing in Arabic. I am writing in your language, when I should be writing in mine.

In Arabic, morals and values come naturally. The Arabic voice is a voice of principle and emotion. The English voice is a voice of self-fulfillment and individual experience.

Still, my Arabic is inside my English. You can find it in all those "should"s of my first paragraph.

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Sunday, 4 January 2009

The rotten state of Egypt

Robert Fisk summarises bluntly the situation in Egypt (and its Gaza connections). He speaks the way Egyptians speak to each other. Fisk is a little too sweeping (he is more of a Lebanon expert than an Egypt one), but he hits the nail on the head. His closing paragraph says it all:

Egypt's malaise is in many ways as dark as that of the Palestinians. Its impotence in the face of Gaza's suffering is a symbol of its own political sickness.


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